One of the hardest things to do emotionally in life is to let go of someone you love. Whether it’s due to a breakup, unrequited feelings, or the realization that they no longer want you, moving on can feel like an impossible task. But with time, self-compassion, and the right steps, you can heal and move forward.
Photo by Alena Darmel
This guide walks you through the process of letting go of someone you love with practical steps grounded in psychology and love. Let’s take it one piece at a time.
10 steps that help you emotionally let go of someone you love
Here are some (not) easy steps on how to let go of someone.
Accept the reality of the situation
It all starts with acceptance. It can be hard to hold on to hope when you are in love. You might want them to change their mind or for things to go back to how they were.
It could be a result of your upbringing, where you were glued to someone no matter what. With the help of the breeze childhood trauma test, you can take a look at what happened over there.
But this holding on to false hope keeps you stuck. Psychologists emphasize that avoiding denial allows you to confront your emotions head-on. [1]
So, yes, by accepting that the relationship or feelings are no longer mutual, you permit yourself to start healing. Instead, say it out loud: “This is over, and I need to move on.”
Allow yourself to feel the pain
People in the therapist’s room during the up process always say that when you lose someone you love, you’re not just losing a person; you’re also losing the future you envisioned with them. That hurts, and it’s okay to feel that pain.
But suppressing emotions doesn’t make disappear go away; it just bottles them up until they are later. Take time to grieve. Cry if you need to, write down your feelings, or talk to a trusted friend.
This point also supports some studies and therapists—revealing that acknowledging and expressing emotions can reduce their intensity over time. [2]
Set boundaries to protect your healing
It’s hard to let go of someone when they’re still part of your everyday life. Perhaps you find yourself tempted to engage with them on social media, send them texts, or maintain your friendship with them.
However, the reality is that maintaining constant contact only worsens the situation. Mental health experts recommend creating boundaries to aid the healing process. [3] This could mean unfollowing them on social media, deleting their number, or even blocking them if necessary.
Think about what you’ve learned
Every relationship teaches us something about ourselves—what we value, what we need, and even what we want to avoid in the future. Therefore, the next step is to think about what you have learned from these relationships.
Instead of focusing solely on the loss, try shifting your perspective to the lessons this experience has offered. Ask yourself:
- What did this relationship teach me about love?
- How did I grow as a person during this time?
Practice self-compassion
Yes, letting go of someone is hard, and it’s okay if you’re not “over it” as quickly as you’d like.
Accepting your pace of letting go can help self-compassion. It involves treating yourself the way you’d comfort a close friend, without judgment or harsh criticism. Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on self-compassion, suggests that being kind to yourself during difficult times can improve emotional resilience. [4]
You can also start reminding yourself that it’s normal to struggle and that healing isn’t linear. Celebrate small victories, even if it’s just making it through the day.
Replace negative self-talk with positive affirmations
You might feel less confident after experiencing rejection or a breakup. You might also find yourself thinking negatively, “I wasn’t good enough” or “I’ll never find love again.”
Of course, these thoughts are natural reactions after losing someone important, but it’s good to remember that they’re not helpful or completely true.
For example, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) research demonstrates the importance of recognizing and shifting unhelpful thought patterns. [5]
But you can reframe this negative self-talk with affirmations like:
- “I deserve love and respect.”
- “This pain is temporary, and I will grow from it.”
- “I am enough, just as I am.”
Focus on yourself
When you let go of someone, you may find yourself missing their presence. Rather than dwelling on the loss, put your attention on investing in yourself right now.
You can rediscover hobbies you once loved, try new activities, or work on personal goals you may have put aside during the relationship. You could also take up painting, start a fitness journey, or reconnect with old friends.
Surround yourself with supportive people
This is not something that you have to go through by yourself. Reach out to friends, family, or even a therapist who can provide emotional support.
Talking things out with someone who cares actually can often make a significant difference. For example, an article from the American Psychological Association (APA) states that social support significantly reduces feelings of loneliness and speeds up recovery from emotional trauma. [6]
Limit nostalgic triggers
Maybe it’s easy to get caught up in the “what ifs” when you’re constantly reminded of the person. Seeing old photos, hearing “your” song, or visiting places you went together can bring back a flood of emotions. While you can’t erase memories, you can control how often you expose yourself to these triggers.
Think about establishing new routines or exploring new locations that aren’t associated with memories. Over time, the emotional sting of those triggers will fade eventually. Additionally, it will allow you to reclaim those parts of your life.
Give it time
While some people move on in months, others may take longer. That’s okay; healing can take some time. Recent psychological research shows that emotional recovery is different for everyone and is often impacted by how long and how deeply the relationship lasted.
Why letting go of someone who doesn’t want you anymore is a gift to yourself
Importantly, letting go does not imply forgetting the person or dismissing the love you shared. It can mean that you’re choosing your well-being over holding on to something that no longer serves you. It can be also an act of self-love and courage.
Instead, letting go creates opportunities for self-discovery, the pursuit of new relationships, or the pursuit of peace.
So, take a deep breath, follow these steps, and trust that brighter days are ahead!
Sources:
- Psychology Today. Denial. Retrieved December 5, 2024, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/basics/denial
- Torre JB, Lieberman MD (2018-03-20). “Putting Feelings Into Words: Affect Labeling as Implicit Emotion Regulation”. Emotion Review. 10 (2): 116–124. doi:10.1177/1754073917742706
- Smith, J. (2024). Why no contact and boundaries are important with your ex. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-angry-therapist/202402/why-no-contact-and-boundaries-are-important-with-your-ex
- https://self-compassion.org/
- Chand SP, Kuckel DP, Huecker MR. Cognitive Behavior Therapy. [Updated 2023 May 23]. In: StatPearls [Internet]. Treasure Island (FL): StatPearls Publishing; 2024 Jan-. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK470241/
- American Psychological Association. Manage stress: Strengthen your support network. Retrieved December 5, 2024, from https://www.apa.org/topics/stress/manage-social-support