How to overcome shame and guilt during a divorce?
Photo by cottonbro
Despite the fact that your marriage was on the edge of falling apart, you did all in your power to try to salvage it. You attempted to connect with your spouse by throwing tantrums at them, reading books and going to seminars on how to rescue your family, and even trying to take relationship classes. All of these things were in an effort to save your family. Conversations were held from the heart with the intention of falling in love with one’s partner all over again. Additionally, there was a desire to show thanks for the experiences of the past and to make good adjustments in one’s life.
The issue was that none of the solutions worked. Both of you were unaware of the broken remnants of your vessel, which contributed to the mounting frustration and dulling of your emotions. Everything ended in the cheapest divorce in Georgia. As a result, one of you moved on while the other skidded backward. Because it became impossible for you to continue being married and living together, you decided to end the relationship. On the other hand, the spouse possesses an unexpected ace card, and that is your sense of guilt and divorce shame. Is it useful, for instance, to urge a father to engage with his son after a divorce and the mother’s subsequent guilt in front of a young kid (around the age of 2), if the father is bored only with words and cannot find the time to come to the child? How are you able to be so heartless?
Who are you prioritizing?
If you were taught from an early age that you must be a decent person who tries to avoid causing harm to others, you will undoubtedly experience a crushing sense of guilt when you act in a way that goes against these ideals. This emotion is irrational since you understand better than anybody the price tag associated with this choice. I mean, you didn’t just get up from the beach and decide to destroy your family, did you? In the beginning, things were tough for your spouse and your relationship. You looked within for an answer, hoping to inject some excitement into your otherwise routine existence, rekindle your love, and prove yourself anew to your husband. You took the pain to keep trying to make things right. Who matters how much effort was put into attempting to revive the marriage if it has already failed?
You initiated the breakup by asking for a divorce, so you have only yourself to blame. Just how can you feel okay with taking a father away from your children? That the husband doesn’t hit his wife, doesn’t squander their money on alcohol, and even takes his kids to the theatre on occasion makes it all the more acceptable to desire more. Rather, the focus should be on you and not him. You are the selfish one who just thinks about her difficulties and looks down her nose at other people’s joy. You’re the one who’s ignorant of the true problems and acting out in anger. Everyone else seems to be able to ignore their feelings of unease and carry on with their family role play, so what gives? Did you recognize any of those phrases? Stop yourself from blindly trusting them…
Guilt begets punishment
Our minds are set up in such a way that we don’t need any assistance from the outside world to accomplish what’s right. It will arrange a hanging and subject you to any punishment you can think of if you beat yourself up over your mistakes and refuse to forgive yourself. Money troubles, sleeplessness, relationship breakdowns, and health issues — that’s what can happen with your body without overcoming shame and guilt. Rather than slowly destroying yourself, you should focus on being your own best ally by taking preventative measures and coping with guilt. You have no one to turn to for assistance except yourself.
No one, not even those closest to you, can empathize with what you’re going through. As a matter of fact, that’s OK. You shouldn’t take other people’s suggestions or criticisms to heart, or let yourself be led into provocations or pleadings because no one will defend you. Getting a divorce isn’t the end of the world or a death sentence. If you have lost respect for yourself, there is no shame in starting over. Also, eventually, others will learn to love and understand you.
So is there any way to avoid these feelings?
The ideal option, of course, is a peaceful and civilized divorce.
There was no yelling, no banging doors, and no breaking of any things. Nevertheless, aspirations are only ideals, and in actuality, they are rarely realized. Despite this, it is extremely important for both parents, both mom, and dad, to have open lines of communication with the child, regardless of the reasons for the divorce. One at a time, and in the kid’s native tongue, the one that he is most capable of understanding.
The statements can be roughly translated as follows: “Mom and I have come to the conclusion that it is time for us to find our places, and I (dad) will no longer (will not) live with you” (us). We have decided to end our marriage, but as your parents, you may be certain that we will always be here for you. You will continue to have a mother and a father despite the fact that we adore you very much. Only one parent—either dad or mom—will be moving.
You need to come to grips with the reality that for a divorce to be legally valid, all parties involved must be adults and no longer be cohabitating as husband and wife. Being a parent requires a commitment that lasts a lifetime.
Not your kid’s fall
A toddler who is just 2 years old is not likely to understand the meaning of the words that are being said around them, but an older child is likely to do so. A clever child like this one has to be convinced that getting a divorce is something they want to do of their own will. They are by themselves. It is not his fault, and he had no involvement in causing this situation at all.
For some background, research has shown that orphans almost often place full responsibility for their predicament squarely on their shoulders.
Talk to your kid
It is ideal to have many talks with the child, even if they are only a few minutes long. It is essential to have a conversation about the future and what it contains for a youngster who is good and consistent, such as where and with whom he will be living, when he will next see his parent, what will change, and what won’t change, and so on.
When a child’s parents divorce, the child will undoubtedly lose the regular routines and sources of affection that was previously available to them. The end outcome of this is complete insecurity and lack of dependability. There is no need to go in-depth into your shameful secrets, but it is essential to provide the child with some background information in order to prevent him from becoming disoriented.
Control your emotions
The shame of divorce harms. The feeling of guilt makes it difficult for us to concentrate on the here and now and on constructing a better future for ourselves. Because of this, it is never a good idea to wallow in the past but rather to move on to better things. You have moved into a new period of your life in which maintaining consistent self-discipline that is tied to earlier experiences is less important than giving the child the environment that is essential for growth right now, in the current now. You should never travel down the path of guilt or regret. If you are stuck in shame, you will never be in a position to make an intelligent decision, and you may even wind up driving a wedge between yourself and the child.
Maybe it’s best not to think too much about how this tragedy happened and instead focus on how it will affect the kid and how to help him get through this. The worst mistake a “guilty” mother can make is to subconsciously project her feelings of guilt onto her child, which can do a lot of damage to the child’s mind. We stop the divorce guilt and instead blame our partner since it’s much harder for a child to deal with guilt than it is for an adult. We can’t change the past. So, we keep on existing.