Happiness is important to everyone. For me as well, since my happiness affects my whole family. But what if it’s missing, and how is it possible to find it?
I don’t like clichés, but there are some that have reasonable things behind them. For example, that a balanced family life requires parents who are in harmony with their surroundings, are satisfied with themselves, so simply said, they are happy.
Not that long ago, I wrote about what the hardest thing about motherhood is to me. While I was writing about mental exhaustion, I realized something else as well, that maybe is even harder to put into words and say it out loud: for a while now, I have not been feeling happy. Okay, here it is. I did it. I said it. I am not happy. But is this for sure? Isn’t this just some stupid womanly sass that is speaking from me?
Because what could possibly be my problem? I have a gorgeous family, my kids are cool – despite all of their annoying features – Husband loves me, I have enough time for myself (doing sports, writing, blogging) but somehow it is still not right. From the outside, everything looks perfect of course, a lot of people are jealous of my life, that so many things fit in it, how flexible I am, that I am full of energy, but I see it differently on the inside.
It is true however, that lately I have not been smiling as much, I didn’t laugh as often, sometimes I didn’t want to go anywhere, the things that used to cheer me up just didn’t do the trick anymore, and furthermore, I shouted more, I became grumpy and sulky. I told myself that it’s probably just that I’ve had more problematic days than usual, that we are just in a bad mood – me and the kids as well -, but this feeling just didn’t want to go away. There was only one thing that I felt for sure, that my life was overwhelmed by the routine, that this controls our weekdays and even though I try to enjoy joyful moments, these were only moments, they didn’t come together as a whole, and this made me feel like I was lacking something.
On the search for missing happiness
So where is happiness’ blue bird, that was here not too long ago? And why did it disappear? Who will help me find it? Or at least show me the way? So many questions without answers…
Let’s put this all in past tense, because sometimes it happens to me, that I am at a good place at a good time, for example in the hands of the coach, Norbert Izsák, whose questions helped me realize that after twelve years of being in kids’ rooms, my life changed and with this, my personal happiness also changed. This has to be rebuilt and communicated towards the world, but most importantly towards my family, otherwise there will only be space left for dissatisfaction, grumpiness and missed opportunities that can have a destructive effect on our family.
But let’s stop for a moment! Me and a coach? Phew! This was the first time I stepped out of my comfort zone, and then more times during our conversation. It may or may not be a shame, but I don’t really believe in coaching. I have never tried it before though, but I was averse from it and was not really attracted to the world of it. Prejudice or not, this was the case. However, I do believe in meetings, that certain people have something to do with each other, just like me – a lot of years after primary school, where we were classmates – and Norbert, who is a coach, a good coach.
Who am I?
The foundation of my happiness is me obviously. But who am I? From an outsider kid who was constantly bullied and attacked, I became an adult who is good at reading people, sees clearly, can’t let go of mean comments or bullying, is a little antisocial, but can greatly overcome this, however still lacks self-confidence, badly strives to go by conventions, but can’t and speaking the truth, doesn’t want to…Deep down in my heart I know, that being unique is good, but the many offending experiences taught me to be cautious. This is why I can’t let go of wanting to fit in (so maybe they will let me in and invite me to party…thought I 30 years ago) and this causes serious frustrations in me. Despite all this, I learned how to live with myself, it wasn’t easy, but i’m here.
Taking this as my foundation, I measure my happiness to conventions. I want to be happy how, and from the things that make others happy. I want to stick to certain traditions and rituals that seemingly make others happy, but somehow still don’t reach me because i’m different, and that’s why my surroundings and circumstances are a little different as well.
Journey to happiness
The biggest realization that I came to during my conversation with Norbert was that happiness is in no way permanent, it has to be redefined again and again according to the changing circumstances. Happiness has a different meaning to everyone and changes from time to time, just as people change as time goes by. What did happiness mean to me until now? What made me happy was when my loved ones were happy. Their happiness’ reflection made me happy. Of course this is still this way, but it’s just not enough now.
After thirteen years I crawled out of the kids’ room, I opened myself to the world, and in this situation, my loved ones’ happiness’ reflection is just not enough. But then what makes me happy? This is the question here! The answer was obviously in me, I just had to have the courage to put it into words. After my meeting with Norbert, I finally was brave enough to tell myself and the world what makes, will make and can make me happy. (I also learned that life can only be lived with courage!)
Acknowledgement. The previous physical touch – hugs and kisses from the kids – is switched to acknowledging words, these are the No. 1 source of my happiness, this became my main love-language, now that I have exited the kids’ room.
Words make me feel alive. They make me happy. As a woman, a wife, a mom and a blogger, no matter if I give or receive them.
I found a way, I took the first step that can lead me out of my current situation and lead me towards a happier life. But I am not sure, that this is the final destination. I need to go, to find out what awaits me or if a new road opens, that leads even further. Thank You, Norbert.
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