No matter how much I love my children, there are moments where I would happily resign my position as a mother.
There are two standpoints in connection with motherhood. One is the sugarcoated, fairy tale-like falsehood that the media propagates to the world (according to this viewpoint it is not acceptable to give voice to any negative sentiments about parenthood), the other is the one that recognizes that among the pleasant and lovely moments there are negative ones – which transform into comical ones with time passing – as well, without which it wouldn’t really be possible to appreciate this sublime life experience.
I never denied that for me motherhood isn’t the cotton candy version where everything and everyone is perfect – including me, my children and even Husband, meaning that our family and marital relationship is idyllic. No, my life is not like that. It is a life of stuggle, sprinkled with bad moments which can come from every which way – myself, my children, the love of my life or just out of nowhere. That is exactly why moments of happiness and joy can be so precious – laughter and warm hugs and kisses that just appear out of the blue (even from the adolescents… now, that’s something to remember!).
This is why – in spite of the towering piles of dirty clothes, the gray hairs gotten over the nighttime wake-ups and feeding babies – it is an overwhelmingly great thing to be a mother, and these are the things that make me forget that I would have sold the whole crowd for free –or even payed to have them taken away- half an hour earlier.
Since my children were born, I’d readily give my life for them any time just to save them from any harm; looking at them from a distance my heart get filled with love and I feel that I would do anything for them… I practically couldn’t imagine my life without them. Then again, sometimes that is all I can think of… imagining life without them, especially when
1. … my precious baby keeps silent only as long as I hold him/her in my arms, but immediately starts screaming as I move towards the bed area. The question of whether or not this is what I signed up for frequently occurs to me after these ritualistic dances. (And I haven’t even mentioned sleeping in my own room.)
2. … I’m spending the night on the floor beside the baby bed because the age of the invisible but all the more vengeful blood bunnies has come. These blood bunnies are attacking my unsuspecting child at night from beneath his/her bed. They are afraid of me, though, but only if I stay in the room, and unfortunately not if I only peek in every once in a while… no, that’s clearly not enough, as my terrorized child lets me – and the rest of the family – know. Therefore for the greater good of the family I’d be sleeping on the floor or in the armchair.
3. … at the beginning of a feeding session my baby child lets me know (by spitting it out) that anyone would be a better chef than I am, or at least they wouldn’t force their children to eat the pulpy rubbish that I euphemistically called delicious.
4. … my child in his/her protesting phase suddenly stretches out and starts kicking and screaming on the floor of a shop in the most crowded part of a mall, all because I dared take away the toys he/she tried to smuggle through the metal detectors… obviously without paying, as he/she didn’t have any money on him/her (not like I had any surplus money since I have children).
5. … at the end of an exhausting day my child –insert any one of the five of them here – jumps in his/her bed and yells ’I DON’T WANT TO SLEEP, I’M NOT TIRED’ after I put them to bed, and as an extra, throws his/her toys all over the place just to annoy me and to make sure that I step on something when I check back on them after they’re all asleep.
6. … the not-yet- potty-trained child holds back the excrement as long as we get to a location where the lack of an extra diaper is as embarassing as possible and where there’s no toilet to retreat to.
7. … the freshly hatched child thinks that he/she can tell a joke. As in a funny joke… but he/she can’t, because he/she either forgets how it starts or blows the punchline or simply loses the narrative. What’s more, he/she doesn’t stop after the first attempt but goes on for hours, and seeing how the parents aren’t enthusiastic enough, he/she even gets offended (and not for hours, but years! – this will surely come up during his/her adolescence as well).
8. … the young adolescent who used to smell ever so sweet starts have a smell –due to his/her hormones- that can be confused with the laundry box that hasn’t been emptied in weeks. Since this I’m spending half my childcare support on deodorants (instead of baby food), which practically don’t make any difference but cost an awful lot.
9. … the adolescent one stops being reasonabe as if the concept of logic ceased to exist and be a part of his/her feelings and actions but he/she nevertheless keeps arguing.
10. … the same adolescent plays the corniest songs through a pair of desktop speakers (which I bought in one of my weak moments) and shouts along to them, justto increase the effect.
Yes, these are the moments when I wonder why I didn’t give them to a random stranger I passed on the street… and then comes a hugging arm, a kiss thrown after me and there are no more questions, just them and me and the unquestionable joy of motherhood.